Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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