I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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