I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
