you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
