I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
