I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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