just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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