I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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