he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
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Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
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DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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