fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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