I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Will you blow on my dice?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
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If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
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I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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