i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
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Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
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They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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