Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
