if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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