you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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