She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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