and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
