he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
