Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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