the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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