her facebook's as public as her vagina
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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