cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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