i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize