The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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