i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
