Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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