There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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