I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
