these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
