This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
