I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
