I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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