I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
