i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
