god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
