Your face is a jimmy john
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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