dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Bring me that man meat
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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