That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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