the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
