Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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