Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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