If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
