Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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