Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
