You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
