Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
babies were throwing up all over the place
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
