I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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