I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
