Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
