My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
the raccoons are back...
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