You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
