she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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