Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
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He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
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Blow job season was short but glorious.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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